Unbiased Nature – you get what you want.
There was a time when things were valued in lives of people. They used better illustrations from science and nature to explain humanity. For me, it was always the perfect way to learn and reveal what you are or what you can be. I still remember, that evening, when I took a break from my boring, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. life. A life fulled of assignments of statistical analysis and probability calculations, asking and proving a one sided, totally biased version of decisions of buying a pill or not. I worked for a clinical trial company, to analyze, the responses of new drugs in market, though I always hated the idea of seeing people, as subjects of analysis. It’s underreckoning of thought process of human mind, to be judged in ‘yes’ or ‘no’, by a machine that runs on 0 and 1. It was calamitous to be part of this, but a right amount of money, always transcend your morality. I took my coffee, from Starbucks, near my office in Dwarika, New Delhi, before starting to Rajaji National park, Uttarakhand. I am not a religious man, never liked to spend time among sages to discuss Hinduism, yet I believe the best of me could be revealed in solitude, a place where me and my thoughts, unanimously coincide with vibrations of nature.
Amid high traffic and jam packed cities, I reached the holy city of Haridwar, stayed there for night. Perhaps your are aware of the feeling when you stuck with a thought between yes and no. You keep justifying one or the other side and you know there will be consequences of your choice. Eventually you choose one and that one decision, reveals who you are. I never looked in a mirror and admired myself, for being a great man. I always believed we all have dark sides, prompting to express. They evolve and take an evil shape when you are depressed, alone, and the moment you start asking yourself “why”. Light from night lamp were spread over the walls. Fragility of my visions and emotions, was drawing shapes of my imaginations of that light ……….(tick….tock…..tick…..tock …sound from the wall clock, till morning).
After 40 minutes of driving I reached to Rajaji national park, at the foot hills of Himalaya. Mountains and valleys, lush green landscape, all that beauty in front of miserable creature like me. I found a quiet place, under a tree. I cleaned some space on the craggy ground and settled myself. Surrounded by diversity, from plants to animals, one could smell Himalaya, in every ounce of air inhaled. A perfect example of immensity and vastness, upholding its integrity of variety, flaunting its zenith of virtuous conquering of all the faults one can ever imagine, still being itself, the great Himalaya.
Cold breezes were fondling my hairs, caress of the nature made me feel free from the frontiers of my false believes. You might have heard stories, from people about, finding their true selves, while walking in vestiges of Himalaya. I was asking myself “why was I there”, “was I really going to find myself, true self”, or perhaps I was looking for tranquility among toxicities in my thoughts. I wanted to be biased with lessons of morality, imposed on me during all these years, but other side of me was struggling for survival. I wanted to know, why sacrifice is important. Why should let go things I wanted for me?
Survival is very interesting phenomenon, isn’t it? I saw a chameleon, sitting quietly, among green leaves, looking at me, comfortably, evenly. Like he knew, he is the perfect illustration of survival, in human world. He was flaunting, the lemon green color, with immense stability in body and thoughts, synchronizing as it was part of that tree, sharing its spirit. A moment after he flipped his long tongue in the air and caught a fly. An unimaginable transformation it is, from static to electrifying flash, from spirit of giving like a tree to a predator. Relationship of prey and predator, the finest example of nature’s work, all is fine for survival. A moment ago, you were part of the normalcy, you look like surroundings, but a prey changes it all, life of an insect vs survival. It’s always between being prey or predator, kill or get killed, and all is justified, as its rule of nature. nothing is wrong, if you need something, you camouflage with surroundings, wait for the right moment, to flip your tongue, and grab what you want. Its justified either take what you want or suffer from atrocities.
I never expected I was going to find anything like this, but that moment made me think for my survival which side I was going to be. I was tired of being prey. Giving was never my virtue of choice, it was imposed on me by society, by my elders by my teachers. I hated the appreciation in return, giving your things and smile, was always a feeling of looser to me. People always took from me whatever they wanted, I smiled like I was a giver. Now I know I was camouflaging, surviving, imitating, waiting for the right time to take the right shot, to grab what is mine, to change my side from being prey to predator.
March 28, 2013, it’s been five years, still I remember every detail, every nuance that I felt in that moment. I was born again, as man to fulfill his desires. I drove back to my place, distended with lessons learned and determinations to take back what is mine.
They say everything is fair in love and war. If it is, then what I was going to do, was practically justified. Ria was mine, she always was.
(to be continued in chapter 2) ……